I think I’m in the middle of an identity crisis. I am trying to let the idea sink into my heart, that “it’s good to feel good”. But when I sit still to unpack the layers of this idea, it seems like foreign territory. I don’t remember the last time I, on a regular and ongoing basis, felt good. Or felt like I deserved to feel good.

The last few years as I’ve worked through sobriety and therapy and grief reprocessing and EMDR and personal development- there has been an realm of striving in all of it. A drive to educate, to get thin, to fast, to chase, to fix, to grind, to win. To get from here to over there, to be someone else than who I am today.

This year my mantra of “do less’ has turned my identity inside out. When I sit still on my meditation pillow and let all Ego fade away, it makes sense. I feel at peace with myself, with God, with all of the universe- but then I open my eyes, back to reality, and the struggle begins again.

Who am I, if not “the best” at work? The world’s “best” mom? The most devoted wife? The relentless over-achiever that I have so closely tied my identity to? If I’m not stressed and overworked and “super-busy”, how else can I feel like myself? If I’m not always agreeable and saccharine and bending myself into pretzels to be helpful or friendly or cheerful- who will accept me?

When it feels like I’m failing in all aspects- motherhood and career and marriage- I take a deep breath, light a cigarette, and tell myself, “Just do the next right thing”. I’m committing to rest and trying to find the virtue in it. Perhaps, this is the work.